Where are you?

I think I must have lost you in this sea of humanity.
Or rather, we have never seen each other at all.
I tried to think and recall that instance when we should have met.
Or that day when our paths, or our eyes or maybe our hands might have crossed, or met or touched.
I reckon, we could have bumped in an alley, amidst the hustle and bustle.
Or had it happened that my purse fell in front of you in a store.
I hope one sunny or rainy day, we should have shared in an umbrella.
Or maybe it was in a train or in a bus that you have offered a seat to me despite my decline.
I know it was the most unusual of all days.
Or some other day that makes it all different from the rest.
I should say it was the most unexpected of all.
Or something which made everything so colorful and happy and carefree and yes, all about you and me.
I believe at some point I must have loved you.
Or rather, we should have been loving each other for long.
I think it is supposedly you and me forever.
Or it was something cheesy lifted in a fairy tale story book for children being read at night.
I know it was all about love shared by us.
Or it used to be love that we no longer shared by us.
I believe it will never be you and me again.
Or is it because nothing was left, and everything was lost...and indeed, I lost you too.

Murmurs in the night...

Guys, tonight I lay in my bed with the most uncertain of all the feelings I had in the past. It is a feeling where your breath becomes too short and eyes are too full of tears to comprehend your surroundings. My Yahoo notifications keeps bobbing up and down and so is my Skype. I deferred to check my facebook until finally I gave up and lazily keyed in my password. My hard drive is now a distant thing and even the plan of watching a feel good movie is slowly ebbing away from my thought.

Now, there is this one though that I do wish to discard but keeps on seeping through the innermost of my brain that it seems impossible to just...let it go. It has been awhile and I am still dwelling on the remnants of what I call an unintentional rendezvous. Consciously I wish to be over with it and move on and have a pleasant life for the next months. However, unconsciously, it is not the case. I should really start blaming Freud for coming up with this psycho jargon that it makes everyone appear to be...lunatics.

What should I do? How do I cope?

After a lot of teasing and smiling and yes, crying over some spilled milk, I believe I have not come to my senses and deep in me, I know I am a big mess. Luckily, I now took the courage to shave off my small beard although my belt needs further readjustments. I remember this noontime at the office, our post it was the subject of some incriminating messages that I shared with my friend that I find it disturbing rather than amusing that at such a pressure that thought managed to cut through my concentration.

Funny as it may seem, but I keep on associating things and I keep on saying I should move on. Should I now indulge in heavy caffeine so that I can be more awake and eventually come into my senses? I guess so.

I pity my blog as I indiscriminately surged its holy page with loneliness. I enslaved my lappy with what I call an uncalled for period of remorse and pain.

However, after every word that has become a byproduct of my lonely mind, suffice to say that it takes not just courage but a heavy heart to move on with life. At this point, I do not think I am in a better shape to look into another window or open another door. Desperate, that is the word. Insanity, that is what I am now. And, when these 2 words mixed up, I should simply say, "I am in love".

Ciao!

Good bye sunset...

Remember tonight, as the sun sets in the horizon, goes whatever dreams I have...for us. And I stood solitarily in this oblivion whereby my tears will be the only comfort I have.

Your footsteps have been weathered and I know, the wind will forever carry you in a sweep...perhaps miles away from me. But, I just hope, that memories will not be swept away too.

Silently, I pray for deliverance, in this most trying and tiring when I will soon be engulfed by darkness...and neither the moon or the stars can ever cast a shadow of light in my eyes.

How inevitable it can be, when everything will be cold and windy. It will be your voice in my heart against the slow howling of the monsoon and the murmuring of the nocturnes.

I reminisce, nothing can be as reassuring as your caress in this desolateness. Not even the ember of sunlight can keep me warm nor the branches of the trees around me.

Sunrise will be far from tonight and I do not want to be alone and be swallowed by the monstrosity of the thought of being alone. Perhaps a blanket of your company is enough.

Time is almost near, please, remember tonight, the sunset comes...but I do not wish to lose you. And I do not want to have my sunrise without you.

It is so easy to love him, yet so hard to tell him...

It will not be that bad...

Train is slowly moving,
Clock is fast ticking...away...
No chance of having you,
Back in me again...at all...

Shades are all now closing,
Last call is announced...and gone...
Can't stop you at this time,
And I am alone...alone...

But I know,

It will not be that bad,
Being all alone,
and being unloved.

It will not be that bad,
Crying and hurting,
Hoping but dying.

With the heavy footsteps,
I turn my back now...away...
Looking for your return,
But is unsure when...at all...

I will let these tears drop,
In this train station...and gone...
Holding on to mem'ries,
I will just cherish...alone...

But I know,

It will not be that bad,
Reminiscing you...
Patiently waiting.

It will not be that bad,
To be back with you
and love you again.

This morning...

This morning, I should be smiling.
Smiling at a thought,
A thought of no solitude,
Solitude in my mind and my heart.

Because, this morning...

This morning, I suppose for a love.
Love from a someone,
Someone who made me complete,
Completely loved and comforted.

But, this morning...

This morning, I woke up dreading,
Dreading for a new day,
A new day of uncertainty,
Uncertain that I still have you.

Because, this morning...

This morning, I only have myself.
Myself to cry upon,
Upon a slither of chance,
Chance of having you in my life.

An open letter from a mistress...

It is with great pride that I render myself a mistress. And, with heads high, I will never regret every second that I have dealt in being one. It took every ounce of my strength to swallow that lump in my throat everytime I am at the portal of this divine chamber. But deep in me, I know, I just followed my heart. God knows how much I love him that defying every holy commandment is but an understatement on every act of sin I committed. But I know no repentance.

Loathe me, scourge me, lash me with every defamatory clause you can come up with. But, I will never cease to love him. Abhore me up to the last thread of my breath, but I tell you this - no amount of life can explain what I have inside my heart and the joy of having him in me. Cast me away to hell, or to the darkest oblivion that mankind may picture from their minds. But, this time, I speak on my behalf and on every human being who have loved - wrongly.

Maybe someday I will find myself in a path where thorns are scattered for me to walk upon. Or tomorrow morning, I will chance upon a spit on my forehead just before the sun shines on my face. I expect all these. But, I will tell you, over and over again, that I will never be sorry.

I know no one whom I have wronged. The only wrong that I knew of is when I have loved him. I know, I am living a wretched soul that can never be bought by even a million pieces of silver to be traded over a murderer. Should I have opted to live differently instead? No. Whatever the life I am living now is already the result of whatever options I took in the past. Or maybe, I have been into a lot of hurting to see any wise options in front me. This is no revenge. This is me. And I am living this not because I need to justify my existence or that of human life itself.

Amidst tears, I will always continue to hold my head high, mightily, hurting, dying, torn but with a heart full of love. I stand without owing any excuses or explanations to anyone.

The Other One...

I hide and you seek,
You catch and I slip.
I whine for your time,
While you've the other.

I want your presence,
Much as the other wants.
I am needing you always,
and you need the other too.

I do fake my smile,
the same is your orgasm.
I can do away with you,
whenever you are away.

I have my laugh,
at the sight of you.
I have my smirk,
at the picture of the other.

But, I have this pain,
which I bear from you.
And, I have this love,
just and only for you.

Freshie!

Much about love and heartbreaks and cries. I believe this is time for me to come anew as far as writing is concerned. Enough of bitterness and of solitude and of about someone else. Perhaps, this Sanctuary has to be me and those people whom I love and loves me too. This Sanctuary should be also a Sanctuary to anyone who would like to seek refuge, solace, comfort or a place to hangout, exchange ideas or simple be a bum...

Welcome to the Sanctuary...

Eulogy - II

When the ashes are all but dirt, the wind will blow it away and everything will be forgotten. But I tell you now, neither the wind nor the circumstances can take you away from me. Hear me out, hear me and you will feel this burden in me. This loss is more than unbearable than I thought. I watch you being burned in this furnace and I weep because I am scared - scared of you losing all the memories we had.

Should I bury you or should I keep you in me? How I wish you are still the same one whom I shared my laughters with. How I wish right at this moment, it was your shoulder whom I am leaning at. Believe me, if every star will fall, I will consume every ounce of me to catch every falling star just to wish all these. Maybe, I would like to wish that you are sitting beside as these stars fall instead?

Strange, but this feeling of being alone has made me a prisoner of sadness since the time that you left. I tried to be happy but, my soul I believe has been forever haunted by this spirit of sadness that it will be forever impossible for me to smile. Perhaps, to smile means for me to kneel in front of your tombstone and cherish - again - whatever is left in this thread of life that I am clinging at with you - together.

A plea is more than I can think of as of now. I will bury you now, I will let your ashes be ashes of the earth. Let nature claim ownership upon but never your heart. This tombstone I will seal but nothing to keep me and you free from the bondage of this solitary life. Today,

I bid good bye to you but not in my heart. Good bye but I love you.

to my Father...

Tatay,


Anyone can say, imagine life without a father. I must say, How about living a life without a father? Nearly a decade when we lost you, still we just have to linger on every memory we have of you - to keep us strong, to bind us together. A lot have happened, we all changed and is continuously changing. We are all fine and is doing well, but, I feel the need to write to you about someone - Nanay.

I myself have been so consumed by my own thoughts towards you that I now realized what could have been her thoughts lately towards you. Your absence, your being alone in another world, or perhaps your not being here with us. Let me express to you how Nanay would have been feeling now.

We have your photo in a corner, smiling. Nanay will always dust it away. She must be thinking that you have to take good care of yourself and that she misses to caress you at times. Perhaps, everytime she sits on the sofa with our dog and sees your picture, she would have thought of having you beside her. Maybe, when she is at the kitchen, she would envision how busy you are preparing for our Sunday lunch. Nanay has been strong since the time you go. She has been able to fill your shoes and yes, became our pillar too. Tatay, you should know how much she loves you and how much she misses you. I myself, will still smile everytime I get hold of your wedding pictures. Both of you are such a lovely couple that I believe things will forever be timeless between you and Nanay.

Tomorrow is Mother's day Tatay. Nanay will be in her usual garb; busy, busy and always busy. But, I just want you to know that we love Nanay so much and that we will always take good care of her. We will love her as much as you love her too. We may not be with her at times, or we may be too hardheaded for her to deal with, but, you are assured that life will never be the same without Nanay. Life means having both of you. Nanay has been very patient to us and she has been supportive to us. I am sure, you will agree that despite your absence, she did a job well-done in nurturing us.

Tatay life has never been the same without you. It has caused much pain to Nanay seeing you go. But, despite all these, love shared among us will keep us all together amidst and against all odds.


Always,
Toto