When the words I MISS YOU is not enough…

Hear me across the space...

Feel me and hold me...

This emptiness I feel,

This loneliness I feel.

The yearning is long due...

The feeling of being alone...

This emptiness I feel,

This loneliness I feel.

When, is the question I take...

But, is the word I fake...

This distance is but an ordeal,

This life is hard to deal.

Today, is the day I succumbed...

Tomorrow, is what I dread...

This distance is but an ordeal,

This life is hard to deal.

Breathe me with life...

My soul is too scorched...

This pain I cannot bear,

These tears I cannot spare.

These words are all but ache...

These letters are all but wounds...

This pain I cannot bear,

These tears I cannot spare.

On the Brink of Being 25...

When I was a little kid, I dreamt of being a somebody right after I graduate from college. When I was in my elementary years, I thought of having a car by 25. During high school, I believe I can put up my own business a few years after college. Now...surprise...surprise...surprise...I am here in my room, somewhere in some middle eastern country, sober, alone and drunk - trying to recollect all the thoughts, memories, experiences and even situations and opportunities neglected and abandoned in the past 24 years of my existence here on earth.

Now, I get to pose a couple which became a multitude of questions, trying to pound my poor brain as to how did I spent the last 24 years of my life. I came to visualize several of memory lane's fondest memories from childhood to adolescent to becoming one of the most incomprehensible living creature on earth. I came to see myself last time, sitting on a chair having a good 'ol coversation with the oldies and trying to convince them I can be successful by the time a graduate from college. There...there...there...How shall I gauge then if I have been successful enough in achieving what I yearned for the last 24 years? Where is my car? Where is that nice, comfy house? Where are those acollades supposedly awarded as Employee of the Year? Where is that checkbook that I maintain and use to justify life's pleasantries? Where is that credit card with sky high credit limits, simply because these creditors can't resist and say NO to you? Suffice to say, I have a nice collection of matchbox cars. My house just had one of its rooms renovated while the acollades are yet to be collected. That checkbook or credit card is simply out of my league due to my differences towards - well - creditors. To sum it all up, I was able to live the last 24 years of my life in a way where I breathe, eat, talk and survive every day of it. I lived the last 24 years of my life in a way where I experienced frustration, happiness, downfall and success, even confusion and boredom and uncertainty. Is this sufficient to justify the last 24 years of my life? Now, that is another question which will pile up in the other questions which were either left unanswered, unresolved or simply forgotten and bound to be buried eternally in the depths of my memory.

Now, as I am writing this, I feel that sense of disappointment, that sense where I cannot even convince myself that I did a good job in swerving my life to a nice path which is supposed to lead me to my childhood dreams. To the least, while I was on a bus this evening, I came to the point where I have to choke myself just to convince that I did a good job in taking care of myself. Now, I can hardly affirm all these. In my conversation with a colleague, she stated that being 25 entails a lot of drama and spectacle that life has to offer. And, for sure, one is confusion. By its simplest meaning, I can now smell trouble. However, I can reaffirm it as well. By now, before I turn 25, I can sense that questions are more often than answers. Confusion is more visible than certainty. And, unfortunately, despair is more evident than success.

I will not fill this scribbles of mine with questions, since, the more I ask myself with why's, how's, when's and if's, I become more of a desperate doll rather than an intelligent man. It is hard, really, it is quite uneasy to turn your back and see the trail which you led for the past 24 years. It is uncomfortable to think that as you are approaching your 25th birthday, you are likewise approaching your 25th chance of making things the way you believe should be. It is a dilemma indeed when you came to visualize dreams and truly desparing that you cannot even get hold of these dreams even in your mind. Frankly, it makes me more sober, it makes me feel so low that I always end up in scratch and that nothing has been achieved, much worse, nothing has been done to justify that there is something being taken to realize those yearnings that i had for the last 24 years. Scary as it may seem, but, the feeling is not totally acceptable, especially when the cards you have been keeping are all laid down only to find out that there is no way out and you are at the losing end.

This is what I am feeling right now. And, in truth, I cannot help but blame myself for being unable to lay down the foundation needed to achieve what I wanted. This is really hard when you are about to turn 25 and you feel that the adage which goes, "and all the world's a stage, we are merely actors" is coming into realization, only to find out it has not been a blockbuster and there is no way out but to act in an empty hall with nothing but an air of nostalgia and regret - whispering, make you guilty that things should have been done correctly at the onset.

Is there somebody else to be blamed? I do not think so. As I sleep tonight, I feel that my other foot is now hanging loosely in this high wall with Humpty Dumpty giving a shrug saying that even all the king's men cannot put back the fragments of the last 24 years of my life.

What I have now are just questions, both empty and scorching. On this brink of being 25, what I have is my clean well lighted place with the pillows and a blanket to keep me warm...

Of Words and Of Power...

Everyday we communicate. I remember, during my college days, we have been taught that communication is as important and vital as the air we breathe. Our emotions are conveyed by various expressions, hints, and signs - all these are part of what we call communication.

However, just like the rest of humanity where we manifest our existence by being exemplars of abuse, this has been often used not just to convey intent of goodness and truth but to evoke power, and at the most unthinkable yet real - to intimidate, to scare and to impose.

We should always bear in mind that this gift of communication which we are all endowed should be utilized with utmost care and tact. It is no sufficient to just blurt out things we would want to say but we have to think and watch and even feel what we are about to say. Remember, a word spoken, uttered or communicated will be as deadly as a bullet if not used in a proper way, but will never be like a bullet where it can be retraced and its fragments be recalled.