just so you know...

just so you know,
how hurt i am
and that this pain,
will always have,
a scar, a mark.
so long as i live,
this scar will remain,
to remind me,
of the days,
that hurt is way,
above all love
in this world.

and you are gone...

those smiles that we shared,
or the simple chat we had.
everything is in my heart,
stuck and constantly reminding,
of those days and nights
when a world of love
is promised and vowed.

those silent stares and sighs,
unmindful of the clock,
ticking and endlessly running.
we know, time is us and forever.
who would ever think,
how treacherous time is,
now it is gone and done.

those memories that we have.
are but memories now gone.
those dreams long woven,
tangled, vanished.
i look up at you from afar.
quiet unreachable and cold,
and almost now almost gone.

maybe indeed this ends up,
whatever thoughts of me and you.
and i have nothing left,
to hold on, to grasp for sanity.
now, with a bleak life to lead,
i will have my tears to shed
and a lifetime of hurt to live.

The Last Realization

In every story that we read, we start off with an anticipation of a happy ending. But, in some cases, our anticipations fall short. That is, we find ourselves in tears and with a hope of a turn of events. Fiction as it may seem, it is always in the most imaginative minds of the writers that both the happiest and the saddest stories comes out. And, much the same as every printed book holds a million of words, the life that we lead holds a million of stories comprised of a gazillion of words unspoken that convey even more than what a human mind can conceive - that is, we examine at what our hearts feels more.

Unpredictable, uncertain, unknown, these are the words that every human emotion clings into. If we are to speak out of experience, a human has never been constant in every second that counts. We see how every human being is subject to the dictates of the mind and the clash of the heart. Inasmuch as every philosopher may have attempted or tested the cognizance of both the mind and the heart, still, no one will ever be able to fathom the profoundness of what the brain and the muscle has. True, as a walking individual, we will always be slaves of our own internal voluntary or involuntary system that grips us - well, not just our personality, but our sanity.

Now, as we strive to love and be loved in return, we traverse this trodden path of scumbags and malice. We wage an everyday battle to everyone who attempts to strip us off with our comfort, with our pride, with our life. We may have met someone who promised a rainbow in the end of this life we lead on, we believe in him, we place our faith in him and we follow him. Sometimes, we find ourselves wrong or wronged. In the end, we found no pot of gold but simply an empty pot to catch every tear that we shed out of disappointment.

Now, tonight, as another story has ended, a simple hut may suffice to comfort that tired soul and swollen eyes. A respite perhaps in the arms of Morpheus will be more than enough to spare us from the tangibility of pain that this life has to offer. And we say - the end.

it is over...II

i do not wish to spend another bucket of tears over you...
nor would i wish to have my heart be in agony again...
maybe this is the reason why in everything there is,
a beginning and an end...
this time...it is over...

it is over..

tired...
hurt...
barely breathing...

fed up...
in pain...
unloved...

perhaps,
it is best...
to end this.

Maybe this time...

Maybe this time it is for me. For me to be loved and be cared for.
Perhaps this time you will think about me. And how I wish to belong -
to your heart.

Maybe this time it is for me. For you to appreciate me.
This time, I pray that you will pray for me too -
instead of me praying for you.

Maybe this time it is for me. Maybe this time, will be the time for me.

A story...

It was that night when I felt so sleepy. And, you popped up and suddenly the hours became blurred. We have nothing but the voice and the split second views, taking advantage of what technology can offer. You have your angel I got mine. You gave me yours and I gave mine to you too. The rest became a whirlwind.

But, I am unsure what happened next. Suddenly it all became so distant. Even your mind, I cannot get hold of what to do. I cannot even comprehend your actions or my actions.

All the while, I thought everything was fine. Until I find myself lost. Stumbled in a rock and when I loom around me, I saw nothing but your shadow in the road away from me.

I became unsure what went wrong. What I have done wrong or what have I made this time. With the haze upon me, it is a dizzying state to find your self with no one but your wits to hold on to.

And I laughed, this is just another story. Again. One of the many stories that I have woven and thinking that it will be different this time. I am wrong.

Never had any...

I am a hopeless romantic person. This I can be honest about. How I came to love the thought of being in love. Engaged in romantic stories and movies, it is always heartwarming to be engulfed by such instances. And, more often than not, I end up wishing for the same happy ending.

Temporary. This is the most apt word that I can describe as far as my relationships are concerned. And for almost every one, promised a lifelong vow, which ended up in nothing but tears and sobs and a sigh.

For every failed relationship, I ask all the time, what went wrong? Always too, I failed to answer the same question. I have hoped not even for the ideal. Although I do not wish to settle for less too.

In truth, I feel that pang of jealousy every time I see couple who is together in a street, unmindful of the worries of others. Sigh. Again. I do not wish to sound so desperate but yes, unfortunately, with another year looming near, I simply cannot hide my frustration.

Tonight, again, my pillows will comfort me until I wake up the next day.

This game that we play...

This game that we play,
Of stabbing and lashing,
When I am about to lose,
And you simply win.
I cannot throw my king,
When you are with,
that damn good queen.

This game that we play,
Charades it is?
You guess or I do.
All but pricking and bleeding.
Or simply sneering,
This endless banter,
We just gain nothing.

This game that we play,
You cry or I do.
Nothing to keep me stay.
This pushing and slapping.
Why should I hold on to?
You got your back,
I don't want me back.

This game that we play,
Is almost over.
Tired, exhausted, enough.
I have my defeat to lick.
You have my retreat to feast.
Take your laugh,
I take my tears.

After a year...

It was more than a year after I wrote my fears, my despair and my lost hopes in life. That was the time when I am about to turn 25. On my plane ride back to the Philippines, a rush of memories surge through my mind at that time. I have been asking myself if all the while, what I am doing is right. Or, do I have to do this in the first place.

For more than a year, I wrote about my endless whine for material security. How I wish to have achieved even a part or a parcel of my childhood dreams. And now, as I am about to bid that quarter, I suddenly realized that there is more than what I have whined for in the past. It dawned unto me how sober I am and how alone I am. Needless to day, I came to realize how the world have offered me a life of solitude, which, unfortunately, I have embraced.

As the days are approaching faster than expected, it seems that I will end up with no one but my seven pillows until that day of judgment arrives. I could have done better. I could have matured more. And so, again, the endless questions, the endless bouts of anxiety and the endless irrational justifications which I have to cling on for sanity's sake.  Now, more to what I have dreamed when I was a child, I just wish to be with that someone who can stand up for me until I am nothing but dust.

After a year, I will only have my bottle of vodka perhaps to laugh or cry with, a lappy to talk to and a ceiling to stare at.

I thought I can build my world around you?

Just when I thought I can build my world around you.
And you proved me wrong.
Nothing in your words to hint such.
And it was a mistake.

Just when I thought I can build my world around you.
And it simply is not the case.
For me to spill my guts all over you.
Again, it will be a mistake.

Just when I thought I can build my world around you.
And that is not what I saw.
You are into someone else perhaps.
And, I am a mistake.

Just when I thought I can build my world around you.
Just so I thought.

An August Reflection

Despite the pressure of school and work, August in itself adds up to what is currently in my dish. With the temperature rising to a sordid 40 degrees and above, I am not sure whether this can be a good month for me. Indeed, with second week of the month lurking just around the corner, I am suddenly dazed by what the current situations are. Albeit, a mixture of emotions that I believe seems too hard to handle. Even now, as I am writing this, I can sense incoherence in what I am writing and I am most certain, this will just be a set of blabber once posted.

Anyhow, coming into senses, it was a roller coaster ride with a few more in store just a couple of days more. Final exams is nearing with grad school, the pressure of Ramadan brings at work, and should I mixed in a little of emotions? I do not think so. It will too unwise considering the current turn of situations. Maybe, this can be discussed further in another post.

Undeniably, I feel a sudden shift of my persona. Should I say, my friends were honest about it and thanks to their patience for keeping up with me save for one which I believe I totally despise amidst the efforts poured in. Well, maybe, it is just a matter of sorting new clothes with hemlines and without. Or, maybe, I should be better off by simply shrugging it off and let the days of August deal with it.

So much of banter I should say, perhaps, can I excuse myself for a solace, or be without responsibility, or enough of whatever facade that I have to put in and simply blurt it out?

August as it i, when it is stormy in the Philippines and sunny here in the desert.

My Hiatus

Apologies to my avid blog readers (if there are any :) ) of my untimely demise in the blog world. I have been so caught up with work and school that I have been guilty of totally depriving my sanctuary of the needed words to satiate its hunger for weeks. I looked at my posts and there seems to be a huge difference as compared to my previous months posts and I believe I still have a lot of catching up to do.

Nevertheless, rest assured that I am well and that I am now in great focus with studies and work and is trying...trying to achieve equilibrium in everything.

Ciao!

Goodbye heartache...

Just like any season wherein we all welcome a breath of fresh breeze...a spring perhaps after a long cold winter, or a breezy summer after the chilly spring, finding someone who can provide you a warm jacket or a nice umbrella makes everything around you go into sparks.

Much a do about solitude and worry lines on my forehead, we should at least spare a time to smile and acknowledge that everything that has happened in the past is all about teaching us a good dose of life-learnings. We may have failed at times, but hey, we should not deprive ourselves with the chance to take the remedials and be on our way to an optimistic individual.

Undoubtedly, my perspectives have slightly leaned into something more positive. Rather than sulking in my room for someone who has taken its flight off me, it is indeed best to keep your doors open and tables ready to welcome a new arrival. Happiness is all about perspective. Crazy of me to be writing such mellifluous statements, but hey, isn't it all about perspectives?

Life is still a long journey, but, we simply have to be patient, to be armed with prayers and a steadfast heart to learn to let go and welcome anew.

My prayer tonight...

Dear Lord,


This may be the most weird prayer that you will hear from me tonight. But I pray that you guide my heart in this journey that has started. Make it strong and do away with feebleness in any case. May it survive the toil that the journey will entail, the strength be continually nourished. Paths may be rocky ahead, or paths may be blinded by sand storms, by fog, or by plain obscurity of the vision for lack of definite destination.

Challenges will be on the way - for sure. And, this heart, will be waging whatever it takes to surpass such challenges. Please guide the thoughts and actions of my heart, that it may all lean towards good and be shielded from what is bad. Teach my heart also to be just that it may, in the end accept bitterness and pain and to do away with any hatred it may consequently bring.

Fragile as it may seem, innocent as it can be and vulnerable as always, my heart will be rejoicing for whatever good it has felt and will be weeping for whatever pain it may suffer. Provide my heart with endurance so that in the end, it will still be steadfast and pure and will be able to feel the ultimate of all feelings every human kind is entitled into - to love.

This I pray.

Is it you?

Someone knocks at my door.
My heart skipped for a moment.
It was an unexpected "hi" from a stranger.
The "hi's" became "hello's".
Until, I asked for your name.
Your name became my name too.
Until those lips became opened smiles.
I smiled, with hesitation.
Reserved with the fact,
that this might be another lost guy.
Assurance is there.
With those eyes, nothing is wrong.
I felt it, within me, I know.
I took chances and you did too.
Chances which until now we weigh.
Weighing if it means the same.
If it is all but a dream or a future.
We crossed that bridge,
Now, we have the water under to tread.
And I know you have questions.
So do I.
And we both know what to ask,
is it you?

This night with you...

Things have been different from that day when I met you. Should I say, I suddenly saw that glimmer of hope in this long travel that I am into. An oasis maybe in a dessert that seems to have brought nothing but desperation and sadness and solitude. My lips are but smiles and joy. Funny, but I begin to appreciate what happiness is and what love is. Slowly, unknown to you, you are teaching me how to appreciate life.

And, as this night unfolds, we welcome each other - not under the pale moonlight, but under the comfort of a place where trysts are meant to be considered as sacred and cherished. Yes, it will be something that I have considered sacred and cherished. In this place where humanity is not acknowledged and is meant as a place for the less, our presence makes the difference and is just unmindful of whatever discomfort it may bring us - comfort it is will suffice to have you and me.

This night with you is no ordinary night the way that I spent my past nights with others. Maybe because of a prayer that I recited just before the sun set, or a firm grip with your fingers in mine as you whispered odes to my ear. Extraordinary may be an understatement in fact. This night, I tell you, that it is all about you. This night will bear no resemblance in the dark nights that I have lived in the past. You are my blanket tonight and for more of the nights to come and every night will be a different night with you.

I still long for you...

I know that you are there.
But it seems you don't bother.
Could it be him?
Or chances are really slim?
Everyday it is about you.
And I don't know what to do.
Losing you is the last.
Don't want to be a past.
Help me out please.
Where in this space?
I am loving...
I am longing...
And, I am hurting...

My Little Prince

You came from somewhere with questions in your mind and a peal of laughter. I too have my own set of questions which you pointed to me that things should not only be dealt as a matter of consequence that can bring forth important to our own selves only. It is most important that we understand how even the minute of things are playing an important role in our existence.

It is in this desert of humanity that we have fought our ways forward. Defying what should have been uncommon and going against the tides that this planet brings. It was a journey for you and I was stranded in this desert on Earth. You have been into other planets dealing with a misgiving, a misfortune, a realization perhaps or a wound in some. You wished to be healed as you are looking for something to protect your own rose. I was stranded in this desert - again, and you believe I can be your solace. That you can empower me with every authority that you have. I should have stomped my feet at the onset. But what deferred me? It is your peal of laughter that amazed me, that caught me, to be with you, to shelter you. It should have been otherwise as you have the authority over me - the command that a solitary man possesses having endured the various planets that you have been into.

Have you mentioned to me how much you loved your rose. A sheep is nearby and we took turns in criticizing what should be appropariate for your sheep - a sly plan so that you can still have your rose back when you go home.

The rose indeed is a proud flower. She has you under its spell. She has you under its fragrance, But yes, the thorns will always be there. You dare not pluck them because you fully believe that it can protect your rose from your sheep. But, do you think the sheep will be so overempowering that the thorns will be nothing apart from a slight tinge of pain when swallowed? My Little Prince, I dare not bend over your thoughts. Innocence, hesitation, or perhaps respect, between you and your rose. Despite how fragile your position is, I still got you in my hands. I still got you against the snake or have I been with you when you were with a fox.

My Little Prince, the fox is right. What is essential is invisible to the eye. And, perhaps the flower must have loved you, but, that same flower is the same as a myriad of flowers on this earth. Sure, you get yourself a glass globe, but remember, a flower can just be in any sidewalk, common, and, you have the full choices. Lukcy is your flower who have received care, love, passion whilst, for me, it is all but a refuge that I should take as a role - wholeheartedly.

And you wander. In this desert, wishing to be back to your flower perhaps, wishing to find for that sheep, or those volcanoes you have. My Little Prince, as you walk, I can borrow that line from your flower, I do not want to see you crying, I too am a proud one, but I will never hesitate to show to you my tears. These tears in desert caused by that water that we had from the well. Rendezvous it is.

These footsteps you had in the desert will be weathered in no time. But I know, maybe, somewhere, as I sit in this desert, you might just be in another desert too, still far from your flower. Should I wsh to be with you? Yes! Should you wish to be with your flower? I will continue staring in this night sky, remembering your peal of laughter, that innocence in you, or perhaps those worry lines in your forehead. I will long for that day that I can wipe them out and let my fingers brush over your hair as you sleep soundly.

Should I ask someone to send me a word? No more. I know you are there My Little Prince. I know you are still in the desert. That flower is in the glass globe. Should I ponder if that flower has been eaten by the sheep? There is no leather strap in its muzzle. I wonder.

My Little Prince, this is for you...Please come back in the desert...We have a well waiting...

The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

What is essential is invisible to the eye...

As a required reading in one of my subjects, we are to read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Defying the odds of office ethics, I took the liberty to make a print out of a copy out of our office supplies - although my attention was called by my colleague, but, I do not have any choice but to shrug it off.

Nevertheless, as I read the book, I ended up crying in the wee hours of midnight with several realizations that made my heart broke. I do not wish to dwell on the sublime message of this book just yet, perhaps a separate post will suffice. However, I feel that it is my duty to impart to everyone the various immemorial lines I must say for everyone to reflect into their selves. I may not be able to highlight everything, but please, feel free to bring the same to my attention so that we may all be able to include it here.

All men have the stars...but they are not the same things for different people.

One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one lets himself be tamed.

The house, the stars, the desert - what gives them their beauty is something that is invisible.

One only understands the things that one tame...Men have no more time to understand anything...But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship.

When you find a diamond that belongs to nobody, it is yours.

For, to conceited men, all other men are admirers.

One much require from each the duty which eanh one can perform...Accepted authority rests first of all on reason.

Don't linger like this. You have decided to go away. Now go! For she did not want him to see her crying. She was such a proud flower.

Of course I love you, the flower said to him. It is my fault that you have not known it all the while.

The fact is that I did not know how to understand anything! I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words.

The fowers have been growing thorns for millions of years. For millions of years the sheep have been eating them just the same. And is it not a matter of consequence to try to understand why the flowers go to so much trouble to grow thorns which are never of any use to them?

It is a question of discipline...When you've finished your toilet in the morning, then it is time to attend to the toilet of your planet, just so, with the greatest care.

Children should always show great forbearnce toward grown-up people. But, certainly, for us who understand life, figures are a matter of indifference.

In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...you - only you will have the stars that can laugh!

 

...in case you travel some day to the African desert. And, if you should come upon this spot, please do not hurry on. Wait for a time, exactly under the star. Then, if a little man appears who laughs, who has golden hair and who refuses to answer questions, you will know who he is. If this should happen, please comfort me. Send me word that he has come back.

Hiatus

It is nearly week after our orientation with the school that I am attending to for my Masters degree and it has been a roller-coaster ride already. With assignments flying all around, readings to finish and all other requirements that needs to be done and get over with, it has really made a hell of a schedule out of me. For my dear blog readers, all of you might wonder what happened to me - being equally mute for the past days in here. Amongst all else, I am surviving and will continue to survive for God knows until when.

This week, as I reflect has brought a lot of surprises and changes even. I cannot place them into details yet but yes, some are life changing others are too uncertain as of this time and still others are simply vague that I can set them aside. It is a strong current I must say. A surge that I was completely not prepared to face. I got the most unusual acquaintance of my life, the usual ton-load of work, a slice of anger from a relative, and an unexpected call.

For the next hour, I feel the need to vent out everythng that is in me, as a lot has been running into my head just like rats in our ceiling back home. Noisy, annoying and is calling for a need to be expelled out of my shell.

Sigh.

How loyal can I be?

What makes a man a man is his nature of being polygamous. But what makes a man a real man is his character of being monogamous despite the inherent nature that lies within him.

-Jude Vincent E. Parcon :)

There are times indeed when you vow to yourself that you are exclusive to your partner. But, it was too late to realize that same vow when you are being swept away by another guy whom you had a glance with in a - restaurant maybe. Or perhaps, you prayed hard, lamenting of your ultimate love to your partner when all of a sudden, you find yourself being billeted in a hotel with another one.

A lot of situations, too many in fact to narrate each one which depicts how hard loyalty is when it comes to males. Is it simply uncontrollable? Or is it at times, a by product of ones male ego? If we all look around us, it is too unrelenting and I should say, a myriad in fact where cases of non-exclusivity becomes the trigger point for a relationship to break down.

It is just a shame that there are individuals who have strived to be loyal to their partners whilst the other does not. And, oftentimes, it renders both parties at a losing end. Normally, this is one of the most common games that all people play but just cannot perfect it. Simply because its rules are too vague, its expectations are too high and the stakes are simply unbearable. It is worse than gambling in a casino and losing millions after 2 rounds of poker. It does not allow you to go back and claim what is supposedly due on you because interests earned are not enough to justify every action you did.

The question of loyalty is a never ending question that will produce a multitude of answers, reactions, comments and opinions. Perhaps, in this modern world, it is not anymore a question whether we are loyal or not but rather, we can end a discussion by asking, how loyal can we become?

Where are you?

I think I must have lost you in this sea of humanity.
Or rather, we have never seen each other at all.
I tried to think and recall that instance when we should have met.
Or that day when our paths, or our eyes or maybe our hands might have crossed, or met or touched.
I reckon, we could have bumped in an alley, amidst the hustle and bustle.
Or had it happened that my purse fell in front of you in a store.
I hope one sunny or rainy day, we should have shared in an umbrella.
Or maybe it was in a train or in a bus that you have offered a seat to me despite my decline.
I know it was the most unusual of all days.
Or some other day that makes it all different from the rest.
I should say it was the most unexpected of all.
Or something which made everything so colorful and happy and carefree and yes, all about you and me.
I believe at some point I must have loved you.
Or rather, we should have been loving each other for long.
I think it is supposedly you and me forever.
Or it was something cheesy lifted in a fairy tale story book for children being read at night.
I know it was all about love shared by us.
Or it used to be love that we no longer shared by us.
I believe it will never be you and me again.
Or is it because nothing was left, and everything was lost...and indeed, I lost you too.

Murmurs in the night...

Guys, tonight I lay in my bed with the most uncertain of all the feelings I had in the past. It is a feeling where your breath becomes too short and eyes are too full of tears to comprehend your surroundings. My Yahoo notifications keeps bobbing up and down and so is my Skype. I deferred to check my facebook until finally I gave up and lazily keyed in my password. My hard drive is now a distant thing and even the plan of watching a feel good movie is slowly ebbing away from my thought.

Now, there is this one though that I do wish to discard but keeps on seeping through the innermost of my brain that it seems impossible to just...let it go. It has been awhile and I am still dwelling on the remnants of what I call an unintentional rendezvous. Consciously I wish to be over with it and move on and have a pleasant life for the next months. However, unconsciously, it is not the case. I should really start blaming Freud for coming up with this psycho jargon that it makes everyone appear to be...lunatics.

What should I do? How do I cope?

After a lot of teasing and smiling and yes, crying over some spilled milk, I believe I have not come to my senses and deep in me, I know I am a big mess. Luckily, I now took the courage to shave off my small beard although my belt needs further readjustments. I remember this noontime at the office, our post it was the subject of some incriminating messages that I shared with my friend that I find it disturbing rather than amusing that at such a pressure that thought managed to cut through my concentration.

Funny as it may seem, but I keep on associating things and I keep on saying I should move on. Should I now indulge in heavy caffeine so that I can be more awake and eventually come into my senses? I guess so.

I pity my blog as I indiscriminately surged its holy page with loneliness. I enslaved my lappy with what I call an uncalled for period of remorse and pain.

However, after every word that has become a byproduct of my lonely mind, suffice to say that it takes not just courage but a heavy heart to move on with life. At this point, I do not think I am in a better shape to look into another window or open another door. Desperate, that is the word. Insanity, that is what I am now. And, when these 2 words mixed up, I should simply say, "I am in love".

Ciao!

Good bye sunset...

Remember tonight, as the sun sets in the horizon, goes whatever dreams I have...for us. And I stood solitarily in this oblivion whereby my tears will be the only comfort I have.

Your footsteps have been weathered and I know, the wind will forever carry you in a sweep...perhaps miles away from me. But, I just hope, that memories will not be swept away too.

Silently, I pray for deliverance, in this most trying and tiring when I will soon be engulfed by darkness...and neither the moon or the stars can ever cast a shadow of light in my eyes.

How inevitable it can be, when everything will be cold and windy. It will be your voice in my heart against the slow howling of the monsoon and the murmuring of the nocturnes.

I reminisce, nothing can be as reassuring as your caress in this desolateness. Not even the ember of sunlight can keep me warm nor the branches of the trees around me.

Sunrise will be far from tonight and I do not want to be alone and be swallowed by the monstrosity of the thought of being alone. Perhaps a blanket of your company is enough.

Time is almost near, please, remember tonight, the sunset comes...but I do not wish to lose you. And I do not want to have my sunrise without you.

It is so easy to love him, yet so hard to tell him...

It will not be that bad...

Train is slowly moving,
Clock is fast ticking...away...
No chance of having you,
Back in me again...at all...

Shades are all now closing,
Last call is announced...and gone...
Can't stop you at this time,
And I am alone...alone...

But I know,

It will not be that bad,
Being all alone,
and being unloved.

It will not be that bad,
Crying and hurting,
Hoping but dying.

With the heavy footsteps,
I turn my back now...away...
Looking for your return,
But is unsure when...at all...

I will let these tears drop,
In this train station...and gone...
Holding on to mem'ries,
I will just cherish...alone...

But I know,

It will not be that bad,
Reminiscing you...
Patiently waiting.

It will not be that bad,
To be back with you
and love you again.

This morning...

This morning, I should be smiling.
Smiling at a thought,
A thought of no solitude,
Solitude in my mind and my heart.

Because, this morning...

This morning, I suppose for a love.
Love from a someone,
Someone who made me complete,
Completely loved and comforted.

But, this morning...

This morning, I woke up dreading,
Dreading for a new day,
A new day of uncertainty,
Uncertain that I still have you.

Because, this morning...

This morning, I only have myself.
Myself to cry upon,
Upon a slither of chance,
Chance of having you in my life.

An open letter from a mistress...

It is with great pride that I render myself a mistress. And, with heads high, I will never regret every second that I have dealt in being one. It took every ounce of my strength to swallow that lump in my throat everytime I am at the portal of this divine chamber. But deep in me, I know, I just followed my heart. God knows how much I love him that defying every holy commandment is but an understatement on every act of sin I committed. But I know no repentance.

Loathe me, scourge me, lash me with every defamatory clause you can come up with. But, I will never cease to love him. Abhore me up to the last thread of my breath, but I tell you this - no amount of life can explain what I have inside my heart and the joy of having him in me. Cast me away to hell, or to the darkest oblivion that mankind may picture from their minds. But, this time, I speak on my behalf and on every human being who have loved - wrongly.

Maybe someday I will find myself in a path where thorns are scattered for me to walk upon. Or tomorrow morning, I will chance upon a spit on my forehead just before the sun shines on my face. I expect all these. But, I will tell you, over and over again, that I will never be sorry.

I know no one whom I have wronged. The only wrong that I knew of is when I have loved him. I know, I am living a wretched soul that can never be bought by even a million pieces of silver to be traded over a murderer. Should I have opted to live differently instead? No. Whatever the life I am living now is already the result of whatever options I took in the past. Or maybe, I have been into a lot of hurting to see any wise options in front me. This is no revenge. This is me. And I am living this not because I need to justify my existence or that of human life itself.

Amidst tears, I will always continue to hold my head high, mightily, hurting, dying, torn but with a heart full of love. I stand without owing any excuses or explanations to anyone.

The Other One...

I hide and you seek,
You catch and I slip.
I whine for your time,
While you've the other.

I want your presence,
Much as the other wants.
I am needing you always,
and you need the other too.

I do fake my smile,
the same is your orgasm.
I can do away with you,
whenever you are away.

I have my laugh,
at the sight of you.
I have my smirk,
at the picture of the other.

But, I have this pain,
which I bear from you.
And, I have this love,
just and only for you.

Freshie!

Much about love and heartbreaks and cries. I believe this is time for me to come anew as far as writing is concerned. Enough of bitterness and of solitude and of about someone else. Perhaps, this Sanctuary has to be me and those people whom I love and loves me too. This Sanctuary should be also a Sanctuary to anyone who would like to seek refuge, solace, comfort or a place to hangout, exchange ideas or simple be a bum...

Welcome to the Sanctuary...

Eulogy - II

When the ashes are all but dirt, the wind will blow it away and everything will be forgotten. But I tell you now, neither the wind nor the circumstances can take you away from me. Hear me out, hear me and you will feel this burden in me. This loss is more than unbearable than I thought. I watch you being burned in this furnace and I weep because I am scared - scared of you losing all the memories we had.

Should I bury you or should I keep you in me? How I wish you are still the same one whom I shared my laughters with. How I wish right at this moment, it was your shoulder whom I am leaning at. Believe me, if every star will fall, I will consume every ounce of me to catch every falling star just to wish all these. Maybe, I would like to wish that you are sitting beside as these stars fall instead?

Strange, but this feeling of being alone has made me a prisoner of sadness since the time that you left. I tried to be happy but, my soul I believe has been forever haunted by this spirit of sadness that it will be forever impossible for me to smile. Perhaps, to smile means for me to kneel in front of your tombstone and cherish - again - whatever is left in this thread of life that I am clinging at with you - together.

A plea is more than I can think of as of now. I will bury you now, I will let your ashes be ashes of the earth. Let nature claim ownership upon but never your heart. This tombstone I will seal but nothing to keep me and you free from the bondage of this solitary life. Today,

I bid good bye to you but not in my heart. Good bye but I love you.

to my Father...

Tatay,


Anyone can say, imagine life without a father. I must say, How about living a life without a father? Nearly a decade when we lost you, still we just have to linger on every memory we have of you - to keep us strong, to bind us together. A lot have happened, we all changed and is continuously changing. We are all fine and is doing well, but, I feel the need to write to you about someone - Nanay.

I myself have been so consumed by my own thoughts towards you that I now realized what could have been her thoughts lately towards you. Your absence, your being alone in another world, or perhaps your not being here with us. Let me express to you how Nanay would have been feeling now.

We have your photo in a corner, smiling. Nanay will always dust it away. She must be thinking that you have to take good care of yourself and that she misses to caress you at times. Perhaps, everytime she sits on the sofa with our dog and sees your picture, she would have thought of having you beside her. Maybe, when she is at the kitchen, she would envision how busy you are preparing for our Sunday lunch. Nanay has been strong since the time you go. She has been able to fill your shoes and yes, became our pillar too. Tatay, you should know how much she loves you and how much she misses you. I myself, will still smile everytime I get hold of your wedding pictures. Both of you are such a lovely couple that I believe things will forever be timeless between you and Nanay.

Tomorrow is Mother's day Tatay. Nanay will be in her usual garb; busy, busy and always busy. But, I just want you to know that we love Nanay so much and that we will always take good care of her. We will love her as much as you love her too. We may not be with her at times, or we may be too hardheaded for her to deal with, but, you are assured that life will never be the same without Nanay. Life means having both of you. Nanay has been very patient to us and she has been supportive to us. I am sure, you will agree that despite your absence, she did a job well-done in nurturing us.

Tatay life has never been the same without you. It has caused much pain to Nanay seeing you go. But, despite all these, love shared among us will keep us all together amidst and against all odds.


Always,
Toto

A Eulogy to that Buried Feeling

To You,


Despite the current macabre turn of events that has dawned unto me, I am writing this letter to reminisce everything and to eventually put a resolution at the end. Wherever you may be, it seems that the inevitable has come to place things in a particular degree of uncertainty where only God knows when will our paths cross - again - if ever. At least in a few words, I was able to immortalize in cyberspace the few precious moments that we shared and I may consider to be part of what I am now.

We started off in the most unconventional of all meeting places - cyberspace. You were confused, tired and I am the hopeful in search for the ideal. At some point we clicked and I cannot even remember when was that. All I am certain of, it was a cool morning with some shades of sleep in me and a hint of resigned feeling in you. But yes, you took me away to another realm when words were exchanged and in a spur of a moment it was all but me and you. That sense of hope in me was suddenly awakened. And, thereafter, it was all but that hopeful and idealist in me that has surged to life. I believe on that day, my heart skipped with an uncontained hope.


Unconsciously, I should say, that at some point, I made you the center of my life. But, knowing the distance, the infrequencies and the uncertainties that is undeniable between us, we know, it is not wise. Expectations are lowered down but friendship has been shared, nurtured and kept. Across this desert we brought smiles to each other. We may not be that constant companion to each other but the thought of me and you is enough to bring forth life in our day to day living.


As months go by, each shoulder and a hand is something to count on. We have crossed those miles between us and physical presence is now an after thought. I know, there were a lot of challenges, when I felt sorry for myself for not being there when you were almost losing grip of life. I know, I am more than guilty when all I can do is to cry with you over the phone when I should weeping those tears from you. I know, at some point I myself have gone restless and worried for every hardship that you are into.


Should I say that I tried to resign myself not to feel anything more than being friends. I am weak though for not trying this. Moreso, I kept this in me and held on to it - until today.


Today, life is with you and it may still be a long way to happiness for you but now, again, life is with you. Today, I now bury whatever carcass is left in my heart. Today, I will light that candle for whatever soul we have shared in the past. Today will be another day for each of us until that one day comes.

Go, life and happiness is waiting for you and I will never turn my back on you.


From Me

Just Venting Out...

Perhaps this might be a good way to vent out my current state of feelings - uncertain, worried, scared, lost. This has been going on for days and at the closure of this working week, I feel the sudden urgency of a particular "something" that is suppose to be happening already. Strange, and it has been running in my mind like a lost rat for every waking hour and it's slowly biting my sanity. It is indeed hard to look for someone who has either no intention of showing up or no chance of showing up at all. And, at the end of the day you have been able to conjure a lot of stories that it just makes you crazy.

I simply hope that things will turn out the way that it should be in the end. Although unsure of the fate, but maybe somewhere in that other desert, he will be able to feel that in this part of the desert another heart has been skipping irregularly already due to mixed emotions. I will take these as an extra baggage that I will be carrying until God knows when.

Just venting out...

Coming Home...

Now, I take my chance,
In this upcoming life,
Where I will now dance
With a heart on a knife.

I will now say hello,
But too bad its cold,
Now an unknown fellow,
That I can't even hold.

Many years I've hoped,
For this day to come.
Every struggle I cope,
and be a hero to some.

Now in this homecoming,
Towards a life of love.
This question I'm asking,
You, do I still have?

Proper Judgment?

Each one of us has its own set of misgivings whereby we often tend to be sorry in the end. Each one of us has its own keepsake of regrets whereby we learn but in the end, we forget the lesson. And, definitely, each one of us has its own plethora of complexities whereby in the end, we end up with these misgivings and regrets.

Needless to say, every aftermath, we convince ourselves that we should have known better and we should have judged the situation better and that we could have turn up things in a much better way - and not like a rooster who lost his fight. But these are all passe. Most of the time, we end up seeking solace and comfort in the four corners of our room, convinving ourselves that everything is fine and that this is all but a no winner no losser situation. This all boils down to what we say PROPER JUDGMENT.

A proper judgment will be in no way bear similar factors, or bear similar consequences, or entail similar convictions in the end. These two words will always be spelled out with one common denominator - DIFFERENCES. Experience has taught us that life will always be full of differences inasmuch as similarities serve as the bond for every differences we have. Nevertheless, proper judgment is always being governed by a lot of factors, time, day, mood, character and evidently, we are rendered helpless by all these, not to say the least that we oftentimes find ourselves executing WRONG JUDGMENTS.

The use of proper judgment in everyday life's situation is almost inexplicable clouded with a lot of uncertainties, reservations and questions that all has to be resolved urgently, otherwise you end up either taking a wrong turn or being totally abandoned for oblivion. Proper judgment is critical, it is necessary and it is dangerous too. We all have to bear in mind that proper judgment may not be as proper as it may seem, it may just be a means to justify the ends - talk about Machiavelli, or it may be more of a practice up to the point that we end up in pure dependence to our judgments that we already closed the doors to entertain some other factors for reconsideration - talk about being too dogmatic of our own set of beliefs.

If we dig deeper into the uses of proper judgment, we can see that a lot of us would use it as a justification of their so-called "proper judgments". Take for example a person who delays doing something because in his or her own proper judgment, it is still not the right time. Proper judgment in this sense has been utilized to justify that if a task is to be done immediately, there would be repercussions - this is the most obvious implication if we look at it. Or, if we commit ourselves into something only to end up saying,

Hence, as I close this lamentation of mine, let us all be mindful of ourselves at all times.

Second Choices

Last Palm Sunday's homily was a mention on 2nd choices and I thought it might be good to reflect especially this week. As the days went by, I thought of dwelling on it in another perspective. Being uber emotional, I believe, I would like to state my rationales based on matters of the heart. And, questions are starting to appear one by one about two, double, second and yes, second choices.

Indeed, to have a second choice is just like in a cross-road. Faced with two paths, it brings in a dilemma which can either make or break us. And, at all times, deciding which one to choose is the hardest of it all. Second choices are two hard words. Second - which denotes plurality rather than singular, and choice - which has to deal with cognition. Mix these words and you are bound to a whole lot of either rejoicing or licking every wound it can entail. Come to think of it, cognition is not merely absorbing every essence of the word but digesting it,perhaps to include some gastric juices in it and come up with a bowel of substance. Although gritty but yes, cognition is all about absorption and its imminent decay after - a few seconds perhaps. And, to process two choices in a millisecond means a lifetime of forebearance.

Much a do about cognition and twos, as I place these into perspective, it seems to open to a multitude of stories, issues and yes - complications. I must agree that a lot has been written about second choices, about options in life, about cross roads, about being in a dilemma and all these always end up to one conclusion - that it all depends to the person who is confronted by these. Now, talk about how unfair life is, or how unfair destiny is, or how unfair our god can be. And we always end up looking for something, or someone to put a blame on. Needless to say, we find respite on these and somewhat feels that justice has been served. But, let us remember that no matter how much we deny ourselves of sanity over truth of second choices, let us bear in mind that we always confront second choices e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. And no amount of reason can negate that.

Second choices are normal, they are part of our daily life. It’s just like breakfast, lunch and dinner. We can do away with it for a day but unsure of what will unfold for tomorrow. It can be your boss whom you prefer not to see in the morning, but by lunchtime he is there poppin' in saying "hello". In the end, we simply succumb to it or yielded to it. My dear friends, there are a lot of other metaphors that we can always relate to second choices. Inevitably, it is inherent in everyone’s destiny perhaps.

Hard or challenging as it may seem, we simply have to face the fact that for every second choice we are into, we just have to ensure that we face these choices with a wise mind. Never should we let any emotion get into our judgments, otherwise, we fail. Second choices are to be treated just like any medicine on the planet – can be bought over the counter, but only after due consideration of what is the right medicine to buy. I know, that in some instances, to fail on these choices cannot be avoided. But, that is what makes us human. Never should we expect ourselves to be perfect. We should always save one bit of sanity over a miss of imperfection. Sure, we can always cry over spilled milk, lament on it, even dare to be angry about it, but, to linger on something you have cried upon the first time may not worth it. Linger only for too long as an hour perhaps but never a day. A slice of cake which fell from the counter is worth to curse yourself for a second, but hang on, why don’t you grab another slice instead? If we all aim for our eggs to be fluffy, dare not should we beat them heavily. Hence, a fluffy life is all about to dealing with second choices carefully but without heavy beating of ourselves whenever we make mistakes.

Bear in mind that humanity’s numeric system is always being increased from time to time. From childhood when we all thought numbers are only up to 10 (ten), up to our adolescent years thinking that a hundred would suffice, until we were more than shocked that a zillionth is actually less than a hundred light years. Our choices does not end on the second. It can go a long list and we just have to choose the best. It may not be the best, it should be something worth living.

To My Soon to be Lover...

To my soon to be lover,


All these years I have yearned for you. Every day of my life is a wishing well, where I cast a coin in every pothole and wish you will come. Every night is an endless one where I always find myself staring for a falling star to wish for.

If you will come soon, I know my life will change. Every day and night will be spent in loving you. But I would wish to tell you that you will be loving a scorned heart. A heart full of hatred, pain, sorrow, agony and sadness. This is a tired heart that you will be loving. Tired of crying, of hating and of being unloved for so many years. This is a heart that has been to many endless battles in life and love. My heart has went to every struggle, every yearning, every ordeal.

Scarred of all of these, but, my heart keeps on beating and fighting and living for you. Because my heart knows, at some time, every wishing well or falling star will bear you. My heart knows, deep inside that you will be there, perhaps waiting too, perhaps praying for the same falling star that I am wishing at, or the same wishing well that I cam casting my coin at. I know, me and heart knows that you will come.

And, for you, my soon to be lover, I will just be waiting here too. In a place in this world where we can call our own someday. I am here, together with my yearning heart, in a stump, eager and strong against all odds. And I will not stop, even when the coins will be gone or every star has fallen, to hope for you.

I know you will come and I am here.


Yours truly,

Your soon to be lover too

Drizzles in the Desert

The desert moon is quietly hiding,
As it weeps with sadness and pain.
Soulfully staring at a lonely man,
Walking desolately along the street.

This night is all but the same,
From a yesterday heavy of suffering.
Unbearable, but has to be borne,
By that lonely man walking alone.

Darkness will be the same tonight.
Nothing new, even the cobbled paths.
For the heart will beat the same,
A rhythm of excruciating solitude.

Now and always, the man walks alone.
Feeling cold, feeling the drizzles
In his face, beneath his lashes,
Drizzles of sadness, of despair.

For in the desert he will be one.
No one to protect for every drizzle
That comes out from his eyes,
Coming from his heart, from his soul.

And, as he tread that cobbled path,
He will yearn but with despair
And the night will pass away again,
Leaving him under the drizzling cloud.

Enough of saying Enough

Go and walk the ways of singlehood,
When no one can keep you company.
Do not weep nor slump in a stone,
and be stolid and numb and cold.

Hold your head high like any queen,
full of conviction, pride and dignity.
Amidst any sneers, hypocrisy or cries.
There is no one in this world but you.

Live your life as you deem you should.
Why worry for other's feelings,
When at night they peaceful sleep,
And, with a bright smile when mornings come.

Enough of that sorrow and hatred and pain.
For the world is smiling at you everyday.
Your soul is still alive and breathing,
And you heart is still beating and loving.

Will you blow my birthday candle?

The clock chimes half past nine.
My friends all consumed the wine.
And I am alone.
Much as I want to sleep,
However your promise I keep.
Yet I am alone.
You would love the icing,
But the candle is melting.
Still I am alone.
Who will blow my candle?
When I thought you will handle?
Now I am alone.
Let the wind blow it.
The candle, your promise so be it.
For I am alone.
Maybe tomorrow you will knock,
In a door that's locked.
Sorry I am alone.
I can have another birthday.
And I can bear to say...
Just leave me alone.

The Other One

You bought those cherries on the table,
when an apple would have sufficed.
That ice cream looks delicious,
but waffles are better than cone.

I saw a sweet poem that you made,
made me wonder though.
When you said miles apart,
when I am here by your side.

What's with those blue jeans,
since I or you never bought one.
A package perhaps from mom,
but seems the stamp is wrong.

Now this is just but a dream.
A wash can take this blur,
of a red and blue toothbrush
when I am using green instead.

Seems I am still drunk?
For the dizziness is at its toll.
Those slippers and shirt,
not one fits my size at all.

And then everything dawned to me.
Those cherries, poems and jeans,
and the green toothbrush I see.
is for him and not for me.

Table for Three

Look at me in my eyes

and don't fill the space with sighs.

Muted, silent and far,

that is us even in the car.

I am unsure if it's the silverware,

that coldness of your hands I'm aware.

Those stares are but bland,

much worse than the steak at hand.

Think this dinner is foul,

When I have your body but not your soul.

To end this dinner is but fair,

for a table for three is the least I can bear.

.

Should I bring the slippers in the front door?

It is almost 6 in the evening and the neighbor's dogs have been barking constantly for every whine of the cars' tires passing by the rows of houses in this village. I have this feeling of excitement, of yearning, of love. At last, after a day's toil, we shall be together again. Back in each others comforting embraces...and kisses.

Anytime soon, the stew is almost done and the drink is almost chilled - perfect for a nice long dinner. Simply, I just cannot wait. Walking past the frames of memories which have dominated most of the counter tops in the living room, I look outside the window to check how dark it is. Dark, indeed. Now, I feel the need to turn on the gate lamps and ensure that the pathway is well-lighted. I should hurry.

I can almost hear the shouts of joy of our neighbor's children as they exclaimed at their daddy's arrival. Excitedly, the 2 of them are scurrying down the porch each carrying their daddy's left and right slippers whilst the wife is at the doorway with a ready welcoming smile. I should be doing the same in no time. Only thing, our cute dog will be the one to unhurriedly bring the slippers in the front door.

Table is set, and it is past 7 pm. Glancing at the wall clock, you will be home in no time. While busy reading some magazines, it dawned unto how colorful those days were. When you were crying because of some unclosed deals. When you were so worried about some client unsure of its decision. Or those lines just suddenyl appear after a long battle in the boardroom. But all these, I know, after our usual long dinners and hearty laughter, are all gone. And, by the time we say good night, you will be sleeping with a smile on your face.

And, as I continuously read some magazines, some pieces of paper fell. And these pieces papers brought tears to my eyes. And I remember the day when you walked out of the front door. I realized, that the closet is empty. I realized, that since the day you walked out of my heart, my life becomes empty with no slippers for me to bring in the front door for you.

Writings on the Wall

One stroke to the left and it's all done. I could almost see their smirks as they rush off the street after finishing that last stroke on the wall. Kids! How carefree can they become especially in the middle of the night. I wonder if there has ever been a hint of nervousness everytime they trash someone's wall. Passing by the kids' "masterpiece", it suddenly struck a chord in me when I was still young. Vividly, I can recall how we molested our classroom blackboards with our versions of graffiti. But of course, it is no match at these kids works when all we have is the dusty manufactured lime and they got spray paint.

Unaware, someone suddenly stopped my tracks as a kid approached and extended a can of spray paint to me. Confused, I gazed at him and with questioning eyes, I reached for that can of spray paint, shook it and placed it on the ground. I could almost see his smile considering that he succeeded in persuading me to get the can from him.

He motioned me to take the can from the ground and spray it on the wall, and he said, "express what is in you, the wall will be your slave for the night, the wall will hear everything but will not fight back." True, indeed, the wall has always been at everyone's mercy. And, he continued, " the wall is hard, but will never be hard on you when you start pouring in everything that is inside you, that is the duty of the wall, to accept things as they are no matter how painful, how damaging it is for him. Remember, in all the walls in the world, nothing will ever bent over on you and slap you for damaging them. It is there, built to protect you and accept all the grievances you have to the world and to the men that lives on that world."

The kid continued with his monologue, "this wall will be seen by every passer by when the sun rises, but no one will ever realize what it had suffered in the past nights. This wall will never be glorified, not even by its masters who decided to build it, but its glory overshadows every one when night time came, when no one is asleep apart from those artists whose minds have been too Venetian yet too modern to use the wall as a canvass in their artworks. And, tomorrow, these kids will be in some dingy room, relishing every bit of their canvasses in their dreams while the morning men will spat or uriniate on it."

Feeling the kid's sense of weariness, I suddenly found myself saying, "I believe, men are just like walls - being used or the user, the canvass or the trash, a protector or a slave, can be glorified or can be sneered at, can be loved or can be hurt, can be built or can be struck. Just like the wall, men are bound to be slapped, to grieve or to be grieved or to be damaged." The kid, following what I said replied, "but unlike the wall, you have to remember that we just do not stand erect. Men are pliant. Men has the freedome to choose - either to accept pain or to be pliant and to resist pain. Unlike the wall, men has the mind to control, whilst the wall will always have the heart to accept but no mind to reason out. Now, you have the option to spray that can of paint just like the wall, or be a man and have the courage to run away from every dilemma that you face?"

Living My Life Without YOU!

My lappy sits idly on my makeshift table and here I am staring desolately and trying to comprehend the new world that I am into. I used to go home with that far away look in my eyes, hoping, staring excitedly as I take the flight of stairs hurriedly into my room and immediately opening my lappy. No one knew how that 5 o'clock means to me every afternoon. Not only that I am freed from the bondage of my daily slavery but also I know, it is a new life out there for me. But today, seems things are more different than the usual. My lappy is even more than yearning as to when will I enslave its pads and give life to those words that my heart dictates. Now, what makes things far more different, is, instead of the usual Lady Gaga ensemble, I am now dominated by the slow strums of Nina. And, indeed, things will be different. Starting from now. From the day that my mind took over my heart.

Now this mattress seems to complain on heavy I am. Perhaps because of a heay heart? A heavy mind? Or, a heavy burden in the pit of my stomach that even myself I cannot decipher. And, here goes Nina again, trying to revive my heart with her binge of high notes and psalms of endless love. But, nothing, nothing can ever be able to revive this slowly-dying feelings of mine. It may be too irrational, but, I guess, I just have to live with it - just live with it. Do I have to check my mails? Yes, I should. But nothing exciting is there. Only a newsletter from some whoever who, despite securing my mail security still has landed in some database which I abhore.

Ah, now, I remember, it used to be some emails that I receive from him. I remember, how vividly he used to describe what's in a days work for him. How he has told me that he is more than happy to receive my mails. But, I know, and I am certain, that before the entire conversation ends, something pops in - like a genie! And that genie will simply dominate our half hour conversation, nothing, nothing but all about that genie. And, I simply recoil and bid bye bye. These memories are all but makes things somber.

Perhaps, I should really learn how to take those flight of stairs slowly, unhurriedly, without anything to expect for but some Facebook notifications and - end. Or maybe this time, I can dwell on some surly individuals that I may chance upon some dark street and be in a quick bliss and take off. But maybe, I can be more gluttonous this time without bothering to see myself in the scale and simply throw my trainers. Now I remember some unfinished essay that I have deal with otherwise I lose business.As the list of comtemplations go on and on, I realize life without him means a total overhaul in some of routines but at the same time revisiting the old me of which I should have taken cared more rather than set the other me aside. I may sound a bit positive in this part but I guess this is what I should take when living a life without him.