Where are you?

I think I must have lost you in this sea of humanity.
Or rather, we have never seen each other at all.
I tried to think and recall that instance when we should have met.
Or that day when our paths, or our eyes or maybe our hands might have crossed, or met or touched.
I reckon, we could have bumped in an alley, amidst the hustle and bustle.
Or had it happened that my purse fell in front of you in a store.
I hope one sunny or rainy day, we should have shared in an umbrella.
Or maybe it was in a train or in a bus that you have offered a seat to me despite my decline.
I know it was the most unusual of all days.
Or some other day that makes it all different from the rest.
I should say it was the most unexpected of all.
Or something which made everything so colorful and happy and carefree and yes, all about you and me.
I believe at some point I must have loved you.
Or rather, we should have been loving each other for long.
I think it is supposedly you and me forever.
Or it was something cheesy lifted in a fairy tale story book for children being read at night.
I know it was all about love shared by us.
Or it used to be love that we no longer shared by us.
I believe it will never be you and me again.
Or is it because nothing was left, and everything was lost...and indeed, I lost you too.

Murmurs in the night...

Guys, tonight I lay in my bed with the most uncertain of all the feelings I had in the past. It is a feeling where your breath becomes too short and eyes are too full of tears to comprehend your surroundings. My Yahoo notifications keeps bobbing up and down and so is my Skype. I deferred to check my facebook until finally I gave up and lazily keyed in my password. My hard drive is now a distant thing and even the plan of watching a feel good movie is slowly ebbing away from my thought.

Now, there is this one though that I do wish to discard but keeps on seeping through the innermost of my brain that it seems impossible to just...let it go. It has been awhile and I am still dwelling on the remnants of what I call an unintentional rendezvous. Consciously I wish to be over with it and move on and have a pleasant life for the next months. However, unconsciously, it is not the case. I should really start blaming Freud for coming up with this psycho jargon that it makes everyone appear to be...lunatics.

What should I do? How do I cope?

After a lot of teasing and smiling and yes, crying over some spilled milk, I believe I have not come to my senses and deep in me, I know I am a big mess. Luckily, I now took the courage to shave off my small beard although my belt needs further readjustments. I remember this noontime at the office, our post it was the subject of some incriminating messages that I shared with my friend that I find it disturbing rather than amusing that at such a pressure that thought managed to cut through my concentration.

Funny as it may seem, but I keep on associating things and I keep on saying I should move on. Should I now indulge in heavy caffeine so that I can be more awake and eventually come into my senses? I guess so.

I pity my blog as I indiscriminately surged its holy page with loneliness. I enslaved my lappy with what I call an uncalled for period of remorse and pain.

However, after every word that has become a byproduct of my lonely mind, suffice to say that it takes not just courage but a heavy heart to move on with life. At this point, I do not think I am in a better shape to look into another window or open another door. Desperate, that is the word. Insanity, that is what I am now. And, when these 2 words mixed up, I should simply say, "I am in love".

Ciao!

Good bye sunset...

Remember tonight, as the sun sets in the horizon, goes whatever dreams I have...for us. And I stood solitarily in this oblivion whereby my tears will be the only comfort I have.

Your footsteps have been weathered and I know, the wind will forever carry you in a sweep...perhaps miles away from me. But, I just hope, that memories will not be swept away too.

Silently, I pray for deliverance, in this most trying and tiring when I will soon be engulfed by darkness...and neither the moon or the stars can ever cast a shadow of light in my eyes.

How inevitable it can be, when everything will be cold and windy. It will be your voice in my heart against the slow howling of the monsoon and the murmuring of the nocturnes.

I reminisce, nothing can be as reassuring as your caress in this desolateness. Not even the ember of sunlight can keep me warm nor the branches of the trees around me.

Sunrise will be far from tonight and I do not want to be alone and be swallowed by the monstrosity of the thought of being alone. Perhaps a blanket of your company is enough.

Time is almost near, please, remember tonight, the sunset comes...but I do not wish to lose you. And I do not want to have my sunrise without you.

It is so easy to love him, yet so hard to tell him...

It will not be that bad...

Train is slowly moving,
Clock is fast ticking...away...
No chance of having you,
Back in me again...at all...

Shades are all now closing,
Last call is announced...and gone...
Can't stop you at this time,
And I am alone...alone...

But I know,

It will not be that bad,
Being all alone,
and being unloved.

It will not be that bad,
Crying and hurting,
Hoping but dying.

With the heavy footsteps,
I turn my back now...away...
Looking for your return,
But is unsure when...at all...

I will let these tears drop,
In this train station...and gone...
Holding on to mem'ries,
I will just cherish...alone...

But I know,

It will not be that bad,
Reminiscing you...
Patiently waiting.

It will not be that bad,
To be back with you
and love you again.

This morning...

This morning, I should be smiling.
Smiling at a thought,
A thought of no solitude,
Solitude in my mind and my heart.

Because, this morning...

This morning, I suppose for a love.
Love from a someone,
Someone who made me complete,
Completely loved and comforted.

But, this morning...

This morning, I woke up dreading,
Dreading for a new day,
A new day of uncertainty,
Uncertain that I still have you.

Because, this morning...

This morning, I only have myself.
Myself to cry upon,
Upon a slither of chance,
Chance of having you in my life.

An open letter from a mistress...

It is with great pride that I render myself a mistress. And, with heads high, I will never regret every second that I have dealt in being one. It took every ounce of my strength to swallow that lump in my throat everytime I am at the portal of this divine chamber. But deep in me, I know, I just followed my heart. God knows how much I love him that defying every holy commandment is but an understatement on every act of sin I committed. But I know no repentance.

Loathe me, scourge me, lash me with every defamatory clause you can come up with. But, I will never cease to love him. Abhore me up to the last thread of my breath, but I tell you this - no amount of life can explain what I have inside my heart and the joy of having him in me. Cast me away to hell, or to the darkest oblivion that mankind may picture from their minds. But, this time, I speak on my behalf and on every human being who have loved - wrongly.

Maybe someday I will find myself in a path where thorns are scattered for me to walk upon. Or tomorrow morning, I will chance upon a spit on my forehead just before the sun shines on my face. I expect all these. But, I will tell you, over and over again, that I will never be sorry.

I know no one whom I have wronged. The only wrong that I knew of is when I have loved him. I know, I am living a wretched soul that can never be bought by even a million pieces of silver to be traded over a murderer. Should I have opted to live differently instead? No. Whatever the life I am living now is already the result of whatever options I took in the past. Or maybe, I have been into a lot of hurting to see any wise options in front me. This is no revenge. This is me. And I am living this not because I need to justify my existence or that of human life itself.

Amidst tears, I will always continue to hold my head high, mightily, hurting, dying, torn but with a heart full of love. I stand without owing any excuses or explanations to anyone.