When the words I MISS YOU is not enough…

Hear me across the space...

Feel me and hold me...

This emptiness I feel,

This loneliness I feel.

The yearning is long due...

The feeling of being alone...

This emptiness I feel,

This loneliness I feel.

When, is the question I take...

But, is the word I fake...

This distance is but an ordeal,

This life is hard to deal.

Today, is the day I succumbed...

Tomorrow, is what I dread...

This distance is but an ordeal,

This life is hard to deal.

Breathe me with life...

My soul is too scorched...

This pain I cannot bear,

These tears I cannot spare.

These words are all but ache...

These letters are all but wounds...

This pain I cannot bear,

These tears I cannot spare.

On the Brink of Being 25...

When I was a little kid, I dreamt of being a somebody right after I graduate from college. When I was in my elementary years, I thought of having a car by 25. During high school, I believe I can put up my own business a few years after college. Now...surprise...surprise...surprise...I am here in my room, somewhere in some middle eastern country, sober, alone and drunk - trying to recollect all the thoughts, memories, experiences and even situations and opportunities neglected and abandoned in the past 24 years of my existence here on earth.

Now, I get to pose a couple which became a multitude of questions, trying to pound my poor brain as to how did I spent the last 24 years of my life. I came to visualize several of memory lane's fondest memories from childhood to adolescent to becoming one of the most incomprehensible living creature on earth. I came to see myself last time, sitting on a chair having a good 'ol coversation with the oldies and trying to convince them I can be successful by the time a graduate from college. There...there...there...How shall I gauge then if I have been successful enough in achieving what I yearned for the last 24 years? Where is my car? Where is that nice, comfy house? Where are those acollades supposedly awarded as Employee of the Year? Where is that checkbook that I maintain and use to justify life's pleasantries? Where is that credit card with sky high credit limits, simply because these creditors can't resist and say NO to you? Suffice to say, I have a nice collection of matchbox cars. My house just had one of its rooms renovated while the acollades are yet to be collected. That checkbook or credit card is simply out of my league due to my differences towards - well - creditors. To sum it all up, I was able to live the last 24 years of my life in a way where I breathe, eat, talk and survive every day of it. I lived the last 24 years of my life in a way where I experienced frustration, happiness, downfall and success, even confusion and boredom and uncertainty. Is this sufficient to justify the last 24 years of my life? Now, that is another question which will pile up in the other questions which were either left unanswered, unresolved or simply forgotten and bound to be buried eternally in the depths of my memory.

Now, as I am writing this, I feel that sense of disappointment, that sense where I cannot even convince myself that I did a good job in swerving my life to a nice path which is supposed to lead me to my childhood dreams. To the least, while I was on a bus this evening, I came to the point where I have to choke myself just to convince that I did a good job in taking care of myself. Now, I can hardly affirm all these. In my conversation with a colleague, she stated that being 25 entails a lot of drama and spectacle that life has to offer. And, for sure, one is confusion. By its simplest meaning, I can now smell trouble. However, I can reaffirm it as well. By now, before I turn 25, I can sense that questions are more often than answers. Confusion is more visible than certainty. And, unfortunately, despair is more evident than success.

I will not fill this scribbles of mine with questions, since, the more I ask myself with why's, how's, when's and if's, I become more of a desperate doll rather than an intelligent man. It is hard, really, it is quite uneasy to turn your back and see the trail which you led for the past 24 years. It is uncomfortable to think that as you are approaching your 25th birthday, you are likewise approaching your 25th chance of making things the way you believe should be. It is a dilemma indeed when you came to visualize dreams and truly desparing that you cannot even get hold of these dreams even in your mind. Frankly, it makes me more sober, it makes me feel so low that I always end up in scratch and that nothing has been achieved, much worse, nothing has been done to justify that there is something being taken to realize those yearnings that i had for the last 24 years. Scary as it may seem, but, the feeling is not totally acceptable, especially when the cards you have been keeping are all laid down only to find out that there is no way out and you are at the losing end.

This is what I am feeling right now. And, in truth, I cannot help but blame myself for being unable to lay down the foundation needed to achieve what I wanted. This is really hard when you are about to turn 25 and you feel that the adage which goes, "and all the world's a stage, we are merely actors" is coming into realization, only to find out it has not been a blockbuster and there is no way out but to act in an empty hall with nothing but an air of nostalgia and regret - whispering, make you guilty that things should have been done correctly at the onset.

Is there somebody else to be blamed? I do not think so. As I sleep tonight, I feel that my other foot is now hanging loosely in this high wall with Humpty Dumpty giving a shrug saying that even all the king's men cannot put back the fragments of the last 24 years of my life.

What I have now are just questions, both empty and scorching. On this brink of being 25, what I have is my clean well lighted place with the pillows and a blanket to keep me warm...

Of Words and Of Power...

Everyday we communicate. I remember, during my college days, we have been taught that communication is as important and vital as the air we breathe. Our emotions are conveyed by various expressions, hints, and signs - all these are part of what we call communication.

However, just like the rest of humanity where we manifest our existence by being exemplars of abuse, this has been often used not just to convey intent of goodness and truth but to evoke power, and at the most unthinkable yet real - to intimidate, to scare and to impose.

We should always bear in mind that this gift of communication which we are all endowed should be utilized with utmost care and tact. It is no sufficient to just blurt out things we would want to say but we have to think and watch and even feel what we are about to say. Remember, a word spoken, uttered or communicated will be as deadly as a bullet if not used in a proper way, but will never be like a bullet where it can be retraced and its fragments be recalled.

When falter and we start to fall...An Opinion

Sad, when we wake up in the morning and realize that things are not supposedly what we have hoped for...or even what we have prayed for. Ironic, but we start to ask ourselves. Where have I gone wrong? Or, what have I done wrong? Or, is there anything wrong in the first place? Then, we find ourselves in deep oblivion, thinking and thinking and thinking, not knowing what to do, or how to make amends of whatever is wrong. Sad - in its simplest meaning - sad that there is no way out, sad - that ourselves are trapped in this great uncertainty. Perhaps, I should go back to sleep and then I can find reality in my sleep.

_________
"Then, we find ourselves in deep oblivion, thinking and thinking and thinking, not knowing what to do, or how to make amends of whatever is wrong."

Pity to those who have felt sadness, emptiness and solitude and cannot even find comfort in their fluffy bed. It is too awkward to look at someone's eyes and you can see that bitterness that reaches deep within the soul. Will be there any consolation at the end of this race? Or is there any race at all? Maybe, these are just plain social constructs which was created and later on was made as a scarecrow to frighten every soul.

_______________
"Will be there any consolation at the end of this race? Or is there any race at all?"

But why do we have to put up with this when we can say - enough?! Surely, there will always be a way out. There will always be a light at the end of a dark tunnel. We just cannot allow ourselves to falter and then stumble and eventually fall in this great fright which we know we can face. There is no better way than to face bravely every strife and stand up and fight. Each of us has been born to be a revolutionary. Each of us has this instinct which allows us to fight instead of fleeing. We are born to have feet so we can stand and fight back rather than fly just like the crows who got frightened by scarecrows. Think about it - life itself is a battle which we have to endure. There is no other best thing than standing at the end of the day winning your battle.

______________
"We are born to have feet so we can stand and fight back rather than fly just like the crows who got frightened by scarecrows."

To everyone, think of winning, think not just of surviving but beating all odds. There is no room for defeat in this world. Because, at the end of the day, it is our own selves who will become judges of our own lives - and we justify our existence. Carpe Diem!

A Walk in the Fog (A Tribute to Tonton's daily act of crossing the street)

Once upon a time, in a far away place where weather seems to be congruent with the minds of its people, a somebody lived. Everyday, that somebody would wake up ahead of the alarm bells that was normally set before that somebody headed to sleep at night. The ticking of the clock was quite reminscent of a big ben that i drowned the normal vestiges of sleep once the cock crows in the morning.

That somebody would take the normal routine of a human being to include disposal of wastes and the needed upkeep of hygiene - perhaps a normal human being is expected to indulge into without being told. Today, the early morning was quite unusual. The cock no longer crows, and the other room's cuckoo clock was simple silent - at least for awhile. The constant humming of early morning commuters' car engine seems to be aptly absent. No smell of cooking garlic and rice in the nearby kitchen nor the usual bang bangs and clang clangs of the utensils within the neighborhood. Unusual! Somebody muttered. The only other creature breathing oxygen in the room was the half awake dog who seems to be unperturbed by the unusual morning accounts.

Nevertheless, somebody proceeded with the rest of the usual stuff that somebody has to indulge before leaving for work when, suddenly, the mobile phone rang! It kept on ringing but since both hands of somebody were preoccupied with a garment and an accessory, the ringing just stopped. That was a sign! Somebody has to rush or else somebody will be late! So rush somebody did and grabbed the jacket hanging in solitude in one of the dismembered chairs and off to the path down the street.

But lo! Things just seem to be not right! Somebody muttered some profanity but went on running, completely breathless now. Everything was a complete white. It looks like heaven has finally descended in this far away place. Though, hard to decipher at first, but then this is no miracle, nor a magic that most of the townfolk would sometimes refer to. It is a fog, it still is a fog. For others this may look like a phenomena that should be taken into great consideration, but, well, it should not be. Mysterious as it may seem, somebody was already groping with visibility considering the thick fog just to make sure that the colleagues are still there and will still have a transport in going to the office.

Anyhow, somebody was able to manage to catch up on the wheels - just in time. And, within moments, everyone was exclaiming - that was a nice one - a walk in the fog. Why don't anybody care to have a story on this?

-Fin-

A Walk in the Fog

You and Me...

Times like this seems to be common,

But situations like this...

...seems to be unsusual.

You love me and I love you.

Why things can be so wrong?

Why things are just not right?

Times like this seems to be normal...

But situations like this...

seems to be uncanny.

You take me and I take you.

Why can't they accept?

Why would they abhore?

You and me, just you and me.

I say this to you, that you,

only you, will be my world.

You and me, no one but you.

I say this to you, that you,

only you, is my life and love.

No wrong, all right,

No mistakes, just pure love.

Take all for granted,

much as I take you all my life.

Only you and only me.

Just for you,

Only from me.

Who Am I? All i say is...Screw Bella!

A mAn wItHoUt aMbItIon is lIkE A sHIp WiThoUt a dEstiNatiOn....

- taken from my elementary class blackboard

Okay, who am I?

Let us start with a few basic things that everyone needs to know...Of course, I am a human being, I eat, sleep, drink and think. Sometimes I am sober, sometimes not. I am currently an expatriate in some land where I have never even thought I will be when I took my college diploma. I am working in an office where perfection seems to be equal with life and living and of course, sanity and paycheck. These all make up into one individual who has dreamed of becoming a lawyer when he was in elementary, decided not to be one when he graduated from high school, thought about it after college and eventually whisk the idea out of his system after the First Semester. It is quite ridiculous that at the end of every day of your life, you came to realize that you are someone who has been a product of a myriad of experiences, a multitude of occurences and tide of experiences that all went by your life one way or another. This is me - some product of some experience, some instance, some happening taht happend, perhaps in the past and continuing now - at present.

Who am I? In my Friendster account I made a laboriously long epic of my incongruances. I elaborated on my complexities and hang ups in life. I recall, in the end, I posted I am a bitch but I pray - if my memory serves me right. In my Facebook account, I am in a hurry and short of characters that I decided to merge the words into a shorter version but still depicted by complexity and my incongruances - again.

To sum it all, I am a person who does not go by what I am yesterday, but what I planned for tomorrow or by who I am today. I am a person who does not always prefer to be someone else, but at times prefer if priority is provided. Inherent in my persona, I am complicated inasmuch as I strive to be conventional too. Very vague, very incomprehensible but totally human. Comments are criticisms are totally valuable much as I value tact and sense in words. Approach me if you feel the need, but do not screw me if you feel the urge. I am only the one who has the right to approach you when I feel the urge - makes sense right.

During my college and part of my professional life, I abhore people who consider themselves "very keen to details", that at times I question myself on what I do. But, I came to realize that details are just details that does not just require keeness but total understanding. And that, makes me stand up, I may not be keen I can comprehend and understand things. I am not dull much as I am so private and lifeless at times you will find youself dealing with a dead mummy (to those who will be raising their eyebrows - it is what you call DOUBLE ALLEGORY). Anyhow, I laugh but I cry too. Who would ever thought that when I was forst away from my mom that I spent the entire night crying and ending up eating chicken in some midnight restaurant. This is what makes me total human - I have blood, but that blood is so real you can feel how cold I can be. You wonder and you guess but you won't have me when I desire not to give in. That is how humane I am.

The level of seriousness that I can tolerate can be extremely high that at times I just volunteer myself to breakdown and give in to being crazy. But sanity always has a place in my watchful eye, that I always bear in my eyesight whom I am with just to ensure that I have the ones whom I trust most. Because, believe me, to be crazy with someone who cannot decipher your entire personality is just putting your hands in a handcuff of a policeman and you wake up the day after in a jail. It is always best, trust me, that when you throw up, you have the right people who can clean up your mess and not just dogs who will lick up what you spat. And, all this, can be achieved by alllowing everyone to pass through your electric wall to see who gets electrocuted and who has the heart to veer away from your indignation. At the end of the day, it is all about dealing with man's most ancient and basic instinct - PROTECTION.

Anyhow, this entire rite of introducing who am I is already taking its toll, in short, all I want to achieve in this rite is to assure everyone that I am a human being who is completely in contact with his sanity and has the right senses working on his system. I do not need to justify my existence as my name would speak for myself who am I and what I am and not as what people think I am or see what I am, but this is what I am - take it or leave it, if not just Screw Bella!

This and That.....

I opened my mail today and saw a lot of SPAM emails. It sucks! Really, it eats up your time and effort especially when they are inundating the entire screen of your email. SPAM is simply irritating! Now, I can feel what other people feel whenever they call me at the office, telling me, begging to me, abhoring me, to stop...stop...stop...sending them emails as it makes their emails full. Today, I received 3 phonecalls, all of them wants to unsubscribe to our mailing list. Hey! I am sorry to hear about that but then, we have to earn....(Laughs at this time)...Anyway, I don't how I can be able to take this out of my email system (despite the SPAM filter), but, indeed, I don't see any use for these rather than simply and pure pathetic display of trash...

Next, as I was doing this blog, I was thinking that I should dwell more on the emotional aspect of my life rather than dealing with and going about some purely uninteresting matter, but on the second thought, I think, this one's much better than the very first blog that I wrote a couple of days ago. Perhaps soon, I can indulge my self into blogging something more serious, or more "profitable" perhaps.

We'll see then, this is all about learning, and I am learning the ropes of this. Luckily, I am being motivated to do my blogs tonight, otherwise I end up chatiing with someone whom I do not have the slightest idea of who he is.

the next blog after I get to clean myslf will be more serious and at least more mentally upright than this and the other blog...Let's say, this is just a practice and it doesn't count. Hey! I don't aim for any award on this.

For the First Time

A lot of firsts have been way up on my life street nowadays. I had my first trip to a new place, my first to venture on something I am usually not into, and of course, my first to be in this new realm. Anyway, I was doing this while I am about to sleep, thinking how glorious my dinner was not withstanding the fact that I soon will be scartching my back for some itchiness caused by my too much indugence to chicken. Hey! I do not abhore chicken, my system just seem not to be in tune with its persona nowadays...Good night and sweet dreams....